On working, waiting, and writing...

I don't even know what to write about right now. I'm at work and I just needed to get away for a moment or two (Or quit altogether, I haven't decided yet)...

Since starting to write that Nanowrimo Novel, I've found that it's a little bit easier to get lost in my own head when I'm sitting at a keyboard typing something into a blank word editor. I used to stare at the blank page, wondering how I'd ever be able to fill it.

Now, I type and type and get lost and wonder if what I'm filling it with will ever be worth something to someone. Sometimes I look at what I've written and break the rules set by people like Stephen King: those rules say write and write and write with the door closed. Don't worry about the critics or the writing. Just get the details of the story down and leave the rest for editing. I look down and I wonder how any of this is going to matter. I stop myself before deleting though, just because I don't want to make the time I spent writing feel any more like a waste of time than it already does.

Yesterday was a 2nd rock bottom at work. I don't know what happened, I thought Tuesday was bad, but Tuesday was a "bright sunshiny day" compared to yesterday. Maybe it's the weather. Now that I know I'm moving to Tucson, every time the Utah weather reminds me that Spring is just a word and nature doesn't give a damn about that word, I'm also reminded of how long two months can be when all you can do is watch the clock and pray.

I've spent a lot of time reading the Penny Arcade blog in the last few days. Jerry Holkins has an interesting way with words, one that I would never attempt to emulate but that helps me think about the possibilities of the sentence differently. Sometimes I'll be reading one of his rants and he'll say something like, "I don't think we're quite ready to play that game yet. In fact, I don't think I would be ready until I've played n + 1 games. Where n is the number of games you could possibly play in a lifetime."

Think about that sentence for a minute...Yeah it's different, that's for sure. I don't make value judgements on whether or not it's a great group of sentences or not, that's not for me. What I do though, is evaluate it against all the possible sentences that could push me to have a better understanding of the possibilities in writing, and I say it's way up there on the "Opening up my eyes" scale. It's like he took a rant and pulled a theorem out of a math textbook to describe some aspect of his life. This I like, it's something that helps me to be a better writer.

I've been thinking about writing much more during the last six months, but even more than that during the last six days. Since I've decided on a PhD school, and the lion's share of work in a PhD program is writing, I've been fixated on the topic and what I can do to be successful. Obviously, writing every day is part of the success program. Not so obvious is what more I can do to fine tune my writing. I'm still working on it, but I've got some pretty good ideas.

Vanina says I'm an amazing writer (the current blog notwithstanding). I tell her she's pretty amazing herself, but that I'm not done getting better at writing yet. Hell, I haven't even finished my first book yet (working on it, I'm on the very brink, but that is probably 20 thousand words or so, so I guess it depends on your definition of brink).

PhD school will require a whole new level of writing. I'm excited and anxious about it all at once. I love putting pen to paper (metaphorically) and seeing the results afterwards. In fact, I always find it fascinating to go back and read something I wrote, whether from five days ago or five years ago. It's almost like reading a letter from someone you've known your whole life. It's obviously your writing and your thought process, but it seems like it's coming at you from a whole new direction. It's a deja vu experience, without that whole "glitch in the matrix, oh crap they're coming to kill us" feeling.

Ok, I better get back to trying to finish my Friday. I hope all of you are having a better work week than I am. Even a better day today that I am would make me happy.